The Search for Babies and Shoes
by Rocku
Summary: Infinite hiatus
1. Babies and Shoes

  
  
  
Author's Notes: Some of you might find this similar to one of my other fan fictions Call Me Kenichi. I explained for that story, and I'll explain for this one. My friends and I have this thing we do called We take an anime we really like, mute it, and then dub in the voices for the characters while video taping it. Chaos ensues. Actually, it's rather fun. Try it sometime with your favorite anime. ^_^ Anyway, this was the end result after Castle of Cagliastro. The plot has changed dramatically, and will make little or no sense. But, if you like random doses of humor, this fic is for you. R/R please! I'd appreciate some feedback! ^ ^  
  
Disclaimer: I own nothing from Lupin the Third.....well, except for Zenigata. Why do I own Zenigata, you may ask?..........Um.....well......Oh, I dunno anymore....just read the fic. -_-()  
  
Flames will be used to roast The Count.  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Prelude**  
  


  
  
Scene 1  
  
  
(Lupin and Jigen are swiftly lowering themselves down the side of a giant casino after stealing....um....A LOT of money)  
  
Jigen: You know, you could have found a better way to make an escape. This rope is giving me a wedgie...  
  
Lupin: Shut up...  
  
(When they reach the ground, all the lights in the casino go on while guards, police, and many other people start chasing after the well known duo.)  
  
Guards: After them! They stole money that could have been used to buy shoes!  
  
(Lupin and Jigen stuff the money into their tiny, yellow car and drive off. Now, because this is Lupin we're talking about, it's almost certain that he pulled a few pranks on the guards and police before robbing the casino. Like...oh, I don't know... screwing around with the brakes, unhooking and detaching almost every wire in their cars...)  
  
Guard: (Car starts to break apart) SHIT! (Swerves around until he hits a tree and explodes in a heaping ball of flames.)  
  
(What I tell ya?)  
  
(Anyway, all the other people realize their cars have been screwed around with, too, Lupin and Jigen get away...yadda, yadda....you know the drill....)  
  
  
Scene 2  
  
  
(Lupin and Jigen are swerving down the road in their little car filled to the top with money)  
  
Jigen: Step on it, Lupin! Boy, those guards weren't expecting that, huh? *Throws a pile of money in Lupin's face distracting him from driving.*  
  
Lupin: *Still swerving around on the road* Yes, that's right! *Looks down at money* Wow! We can buy a lot of shoes with this!  
  
Jigen: Pardon?  
  
Lupin: Ya know, shoes...? The things you wear on your feet...?  
  
Jigen: *Smacks him over the head*  
  
Lupin: Ow! What was that for?!  
  
Jigen: I know what shoes are, you dumb ass!  
  
Lupin: Well, fine! If you're gonna have that attitude than you don't get any shoes!  
  
Jigen: *Smacks him again*  
  
Lupin: Ooowww!!! You're so mean!  
  
Jigen: Yeah, and you're a pansy...  
  
Lupin: *Starts to pout*  
  
(The two continue driving in silence for a few more minutes, until Lupin opens his mouth again.)  
  
Lupin: Hey! I got an idea!  
  
Jigen: Oh, God...  
  
Lupin: We can buy a baby with this money!  
  
Jigen: *Looks at Lupin*  
  
Lupin:................  
  
Jigen:.................  
  
Lupin: *Smiles*  
  
Jigen: *Punches him*  
  
Lupin: Ooowww! Okay, that does it! One more act of violence from you, mister, and I'm turning this car around!  
  
Jigen: Shut up, dumb ass!  
  
(The two continue to ride in silence for another ten minutes, until Lupin decides to piss Jigen off more...)  
  
Lupin: *Glares at Jegin*  
  
Jigen:................  
  
Lupin: *Continues glaring*  
  
Jigen: What?!  
  
Lupin: So, are we agreed?  
  
Jigen: What are you talking about?!  
  
Lupin: *Rolls eyes* Are we agreed to get a baby?!  
  
Jigen: all right, stop this car! I'm getting out! You're scaring the shit out of me!  
  
Lupin: Not until you agree to get a baby!  
  
Jigen: ALL RIGHT! ALL RIGHT! IF IT'LL MAKE YOU SHUT UP, THEN YES! WE'LL GET A BABY!!!  
  
Lupin: Yay! I knew you'd come to your senses one of these days, Jegin!  
  
Jigen: *Starts to bang his head against the window*  
  
Lupin: Let's see, we won't need this much money if we want to buy just one baby...*opens sky roof and starts throwing most of the money out of the car*  
  
Jigen: What the hell are you doing?!  
  
Lupin: Oh, c'mon! We don't need THAT many babies...  
  
Jigen: You're crazy!  
  
Lupin: No, I just want a baby! There's a difference...  
  
Jigen: Oh yeah, and what makes you think I want one?  
  
Lupin: Haven't you always wanted to be a mother?  
  
Jigen: NO!  
  
Lupin: Oh there, there...don't deny it, Jegin...  
  
Jigen: *Jumps out of moving car on the highway*  
  
Lupin: Oh great, he's at it again...Well, might as well go after him....  
  
(Lupin does a u-turn and begins to chase after his friend while Jigen is running away from the speeding car approaching him screaming out something about babies and shoes.)  
  
  
  
  
Author's Notes: Okay, okay...I know what you're thinking.... Babies? Shoes? Believe me, it starts to make sense........sooner or later........Okay, so it doesn't starts to make sense. But, that's just the way I like it! R/R please, guys! I'd really appreciate it! ^_^  
  
  
Jigen: You know, I don't think it's physically possible for all that money to stay together in clumps after we threw it out of the sky roof...  
  
Lupin: There are a lot of things that aren't physically possible in this world.  
  
Jigen: Like what?  
  
Lupin: Like how I can survive with such a low IQ....  
  
Jigen: Hmmmm.....You got a point....  
  
  
  
  



	2. Ignoring the Laws of Physics

  
  
  
Author's Notes: Well, I finally had the time to put up another chapter. Nothing much to say about this, other than it's dedicated to all my friends, whom without their moronic behavior and random acts of humor, this story would have never been possible. Hears to many more years of dubbing! I love you all.  
  
  
Disclaimer: Nobody reads these anymore...._()  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Castle of Cagliostro  
**The Search for Babies and Shoes**  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


scene 3  
  
  
  
(Lupin and Jigen have just driven up to the border of Cagliostro guarded by two men)  
  
  
Lupin: Why, hello there young man! *Wearing shades*  
  
Guard: I know that's you, Lupin...  
  
Lupin: Damn it!  
  
Jigen: I told you this was a stupid idea! *Rips off Rabbi beard*  
  
Guard: Listen guys, I'm gonna need to see some ID and your word that you won't do anything....  
  
Lupin: Why, of course.... Let me just get it out of my...*Steps on gas and drives away*  
  
Guard: Damn, that's the second time this has happened in the past week...  
  
Guard #2: Shouldn't we go after them...?  
  
Guard: *Thinks about it* Naw, I'm too tired...  
  
  
  
Scene 4  
  
  
Jigen: Great plan, dumb ass...  
  
Lupin: You're just jealous cause I didn't have to wear the beard...  
  
Jigen: Beard this! *Throws beard at Lupin's face*  
  
Lupin: AHHHHHH!!! KILL IT!!! KILL IT!!!! *Throws beard out window and runs over it six times*  
  
Jigen: So, where are we now?  
  
Lupin: Why, we're in Cagliostro, of course! The place of the best shoes in the world!  
  
Jigen: I'm sure...  
  
Lupin:.....And best babies, too! *wink*  
  
Jigen: Don't make me punch you again...  
  
Lupin: Oh, c'mon Jigen! Just think about it! We'll both be parents! You'll be the mother, and I'll be the mother!  
  
Jigen: I seriously hope you're just kidding...  
  
Lupin: Yup, we'll both be mothers...  
  
Jigen: Hello? Are you listening?  
  
Lupin: We'll just get a nice baby...  
  
Jigen: *Rolls eyes* I'm not being a mother...  
  
Lupin: Okay, you wanna be the father?  
  
Jigen: NO!  
  
(Suddenly, the tire pops and the little, yellow car comes to a halt.)  
  
Jigen: Good grief, man! No we've broke down thanks to you!  
  
Lupin:*Looks down at flat tire*Damn! *Ponders for a moment* I think the only solution for this, is to buy a baby...  
  
Jigen: I don't wanna baby!  
  
Lupin: All right, we'll play Rock, Paper, Scissors!  
  
Jigen: You're on!  
  
(Lupin wins)  
  
Lupin: Hee hee! Now we get a baby!  
  
Jigen: Damn it! All right, then...I'm just walking...*Takes out extra tire from trunk* And I'm taking this tire with me!  
  
Lupin: Just change the damn tire, Jigen...  
  
(While Jigen was complaining and mumbling, Lupin heard a loud screech of a tire and turned around to see what it was. A woman in a wedding dress was speeding down the road with many men chasing after her)  
  
Lupin: Hey, Jigen! Let's go help that...  
  
(Scene cut)  
  
Lupin: *Holding the woman in his right arm and hanging from a rope attached to a root from the other* Hey, nice shoes!  
  
Woman: Eeeekkk!!!! Get away from me! *Starts slapping him*  
  
Lupin: All right, all right, take it easy...Don't sweat off your shoes...  
  
(He begins lowering the both of them down to the ground when all of a sudden the root breaks under their weight.  
  
Lupin: Awww great.......*Falls to the ground and gets knocked out*  
  
Woman: *Runs over to the river, takes off her glove and dips it in the water. She then begins to wipe Lupin's face with it*  
  
Lupin: *In his sleep* Uhhh, auuugh....BABY! Gaahhh.....Baby shoes!!!  
  
Woman: Man, what a freak.... *Hears a boat motor coming with the men chasing her on it* Oops, gotta go... *Leaves her glove with Lupin*  
  
Jigen: *Runs over* Lupin! What the hell happened?!  
  
Lupin: *Rubs his eyes*.....Hey! Where'd that beautiful baby go...?  
  
Jigen: There was a scene cut a little while ago.....Do you know what I missed...?  
  
Lupin: Basically you and I just ignored the laws of physics and drove up the side of a cliff...  
  
Jigen: Ah, okay...  
  
Lupin: *Feels something in the glove* Hmmm? Maybe it's a shoe...*Pulls it out* Damn, it's just a ring!  
  
Jigen: Maybe we could pawn it and get some money...  
  
Lupin: And then buy some shoes?!  
  
Jigen: *Looking scared* Yeah....sure....  
  
Lupin: *Sneaky smile* Maybe I could buy a baby for us!  
  
Jigen: *Punches him*  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Author's Notes: *Looks at what she's written* Yes, yes, I feel your pain... So! Questions? Comments? Death threats? *gulp* o_0.....Send them to me. I'd appreciate some reviews. Bye guys!  
  
  



	3. Crazy, Southern men and Lupin the mother

Author's Notes: Well, um... Nothing much to say except THAT THE SUN WILL SWELL UP IN A HUGE CLOUD OF GASEOUS...um...GAS! AND SWALLOW UP OUR PLANET IN A HOLLOUCAUST OF FIRE AND DEATH!!!!  
  
Jigen: And when will this happen?  
  
Author: (shrugs) I don't know. A few billion years...  
  
Jigen: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!  
  
Author: Oh for Christ's sake...  
  
Jigen: I'M TOO YOUNG TO DIE!!!!!  
  
Author: Whatever... I'll just leave you to that. Now, as for you, yes YOU, read some more of my moronic crap....  
  
Disclaimer: (Picks tooth with a stick) what?  
  
CASTLE OF CAGLIOSTRO  
The Search for Babies and Shoes  
  
Lupin and Jigen recognized the symbol on the ring as many of the others that appear to represent the castle in the town, the Castle of Cagliostro. Sooo..because we have nothing better to do..let's follow them..  
  
Scene 5  
  
(A little, yellow car is speeding down the road, Lupin driving, and Jigen in the passengers' seat)  
  
Lupin: Look, we need to get a baby...  
  
Jigen: Lupin, if I hear the word "baby" come out of your mouth one more time....  
  
Lupin: Hey, but we do need one.Oh! I know! We'll go to the.baby making..um..place...thingy...  
  
Jigen: You don't even know what you're saying anymore, do you?  
  
Lupin: ..Hmmmm...what was that...? Hey look! A birdie! (Takes out his gun and starts trying to shoot the bird.)  
  
Jigen: You dumb ass! That's a snowy owl!  
  
Lupin: Snowy owl, eh? Check in my book; see how many points they're worth..  
  
Jigen: (Flips through Lupin's "Shoot down yer' very own endangered species" handbook.) 250 points..  
  
Lupin: Boo ya! (Takes out riffle) Oh, it's gonna be snowing where you're headed, bioootch!  
  
(Many minutes and snowy owls later, our duo arrives at the Castle of Cagliostro.)  
  
Jigen: (Gets out of the car and looks at a stone carving of two rams.) Hey, that looks like the design on that ring..  
  
Lupin: You didn't find that ring, I DID!!!  
  
Jigen: Hey, I'm just saying...  
  
Lupin: You wanna piece of me?! HUH?! You wanna take it outside?!  
  
Jigen: We are outside..  
  
Lupin: SHUT UP!  
  
Jigen: Whatever.. (Gives loser sign)  
  
(Our heroes continue walking, going up stairs, downstairs, looking around the yard, until Lupin finds a man holding a ladder, probably working in the garden. Why, let's see what happens next, boys and girls!)  
  
Lupin: Hey! Old, wrinkly thing!  
  
(Ummmmm...)  
  
Lupin: Do you know where we can find some babies or shoes?  
  
Jigen: I don't want a baby!!!  
  
Lupin: All right, if I hear one more word out of you, you're waiting in the car!  
  
Jigen: (Trudges away miserably and sits in the corner)  
  
Lupin: (Turns back to old man) so, how about it?  
  
Old man: (Speaking in thick Southern accent) Weeeeeeell, if ya'll wanchya some'er dem babes I'sa gotcher some'er dem down ine dat dare shacka'mabob, but chaya'll gott'a maker dem..wate a' goshdarn minut ya'll miniature wipper' snappers' ya'll don't experct us ta have'r some'r dem here na do ya.. (If you got this far, I commend you..)  
  
Translation: We don't have any damn babies.  
  
Lupin: (Some how able to understand all that) what?! No babies?!  
  
Old man: I a'int sayin' notin'! Y'all can'tcher mak me do notin' y'all sall ffjvhtyfvgbbgb bntrnhbdb gbggbg gn668i65J^&%Y5k7 6i5uht6hyrnrtn tyj5yhjj%J$j76u56jj^&i%&i67iJK6KK6K67K67k67k^kyj5Hfddbhd hhhrtnrynnrtrtnrtjh65u%I&u77K7IiH$y676iuKO6..(It's just easier this way....)  
  
Lupin: Really?! Hm..I didn't know that.  
  
Quick Intermission  
  
Go get a sandwich or use the bathroom why don't ya..  
  
End Intermission  
  
Lupin: (Sitting on a stone bench by a lake) *sigh* Why doesn't Jigen want a baby..?  
  
Jigen: (Walking across the water on stone blocks) Because I don't want to be a parent and you keep trying to make me the "mother!"  
  
Lupin: Okay, fine, if you're that pissed off about it then I'll be the mother. It doesn't really matter who's who, we both look the same..  
  
Jigen: ....What?  
  
Lupin: (Rolls eyes) I saaaiiid.I'll be the mother if you have a problem with.  
  
Jigen: Lupin! You don't have to be a mother either! All we have...  
  
Lupin: So we'll be gay?  
  
Jigen: ..to do now is..wha..? NO!  
  
Lupin: Is that what you're saying?  
  
Jigen: NO!!!  
  
Lupin: That's exactly what you're saying, isn't it?!  
  
Jigen: Aaarrruugghhh... (Jumps up and starts bending Lupin in many different painful ways)  
  
Lupin: ..Ack..Jigen! What are you doing?! We'll never be able to get pregnant if you keep doing this!  
  
Jigen: (Is now stretching Lupin's head and legs backward) I am not having a baby with you, so will you just shut up?!  
  
Lupin: (Still being bent) If you don't stop doing this we'll have to use that money we get from pawning that ring on my back! Is that what you want?! Huh?! You want the mother of your child to live in pain?!  
  
Jigen: ..Lupin...  
  
Lupin: You want to not have a baby?!  
  
Jigen: ..Lupin..!  
  
Lupin: We've been married for 20 years!!!  
  
Jigen: (Finally drops him) We have not!  
  
Lupin: There's no more excitement in our relationship!  
  
Jigen: ...What relationship..?  
  
Lupin: Either we get a baby or some shoes or it's over between us! I want a baby!!!  
  
Jigen: ...Lupin...Are you crying?  
  
Lupin: Yes!!! (Takes out handkerchief and blows nose) Great, now you've made me ruin my handkerchief...  
  
Jigen: ..Um..Is there anything I can do..?  
  
Lupin: Anything you can do?! You can get me a damn baby!!!  
  
Jigen: All right, all right, if you stop taking whatever it is that you're on, I promise that I'll get you a baby.  
  
Lupin: *Sniff, sniff* ..And some shoes..?  
  
Jigen: And some shoes.  
  
Lupin: (Glomps him) Oh, Jigen! You're the best husband a wife could ever ask for!  
  
Jigen: Well, when you put it that way...  
  
Lupin: Look over that way. (Points across the field) That's where they make the babies and that's where we get the babies.  
  
Jigen: Um..Lupin?  
  
Lupin: Yes.  
  
Jigen: That's a tractor.  
  
Lupin: .Oh. Well, then they probably make the babies in that room. (Points to a random window in the castle)  
  
Jigen: *sigh* All right, Lupin. We'll go in tomorrow to get some babies.  
  
Lupin: Thanks sweetie. (Kisses Jigen on cheek)  
  
Jigen: (Punches him)  
  
Author's Notes: I'm not even going to attempt to redeem myself at this point. This story is beyond redemption anyway..So! If you review RIGHT NOW, you'll receive free, yes, FREE, Jigen's hat!  
  
Jigen: ...The hell...?! That's my hat!  
  
Author: Yep..Jigen's crazy hat...  
  
Jigen: Hey, my hat is not crazy!  
  
Author: (Sticks feather in hat) It is now.  
  
Jigen: Oh, you're gonna get it..  
  
Author: Send me some reviews! Weeeeeeeeee!!!!! *flies around* 


	4. A boom shaka laka

  
  
  
  
  
Author's Notes: Jigen: *glare*  
  
Author: .....What?  
  
Jigen: Give me back my damn hat!  
  
Author: Here. (Throws hat at Jigen)  
  
Jigen: ......the hell? It has a bite taken out of it!  
  
Author: *shifty eyes*  
  
  
  
Thanks: I'd like to say thank you to the following people who took the time to write me reviews. You guys keep the world spinning! XD  
  
J. Lucy-Daisuke: One way an author knows they're writing a good fic is when people find it funny even though they haven't seen the movie or show. ^_^ Thank you for the lovely review, and I'm sure you look very bitchin' in Jigen's hat. ^.^ Thankies! Love ya!  
  
Gunac: Thank you for making my day with your very friendly review. I would like to say that I HAVE read your stories and I found them very amusing and wonderful. ^_^ Forgive me for not reviewing them yet, I guess I just returned to the land of the living, but I will get to it very soon. Keep reading the story and look forward to many more updates.  
  
me of little sanity: Yes, Jigen's hat is sexy, no? (0_o) I'm so glade you like this fanfic. It makes me feel good when I make other people laugh. Anyway, about your question on where to by CoC in english, the best places to look would be Anime Castle.com or Anime Nation.com, or you could try looking at amazon for the VHS. Keep reading the story. ^_^  
  
Jan Lee: Yes, there are many questions that still need to be answered: What is Lupin taking? Why is Jigen being so patient? All of these questions will soon be answered!.........actually, none of them will be answered, because quite frankly, I really don't know what the hell I'm writing half the time. Well, keep reading the story anyway, and look forward to updates. By the way, I've never been called a genius before. *huggles* Thank you for making me feel smart! (runs into bathroom door repeatedly to see how long it takes before I pass out.)  
  
Sans Souci: Oh, you'll see them married, and sooner than you think! (rubs hands together in a menacing fashion) Ummm....if sooner than you think translates to whenever I get up off my lazy ass and finish writing the script then, yeah, it's soon. Hmmmmm.....Lupin in a wedding dress? Hey, can't say it hasn't crossed my mind. ^_^ Thanks for the review! ^ ^  
  
eap1: A monkey eh? (rubs chin) Thankies for your review! XD  
  
Li: Ya hear that Jigen? Li likes how you beat up on Lupin.  
  
Jigen: What Li wants, Li gets.  
  
Lupin: Oh God, I'm screwed...  
  
Hecate: Things that make no sense are usually much more entertaining. ^_^ Thank you for your review, and I actually was thinking about doing this with Cowboy Bebop. I don't know if it's because Jigen and Lupin remind me so much of Jet and Spike, or if it's because Jet is so easy to make fun of.....I mean.....THE APRON!!! THE APRON!!! Heh, heh, look forward to further updates. Thankies!  
  
  
  
Disclaimer: Do people read these anymore...?  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Castle of Cagliostro   
The search for Babies and Shoes  
  
  
  
Scene 6  
  
  
The Count is flying around in his little plane. He lands in the landing arena' (or whatever) and is greeted by his butler man thing.  
  
Count: Is the baby here?  
  
Butler man thing: Why hello my dear...ummm...lord. I am your faithful servant. How may I...  
  
Count: Yes, I know that! I've known that for a long time, we've been married for at least 15 years!  
  
Butler man thing: Begging your pardon, sir, but we are not married. Your orders were to bring back...  
  
Count: Hey listen! I am married to you if I say I'm married to you cause I'm the Count! You can't talk back yo the Count! Don't you talk back to the Count, or you'll feel the wrath of.....me.  
  
Butler man thing: ..........Yes, my lord.  
  
The Count makes his way down the hallways of his mansion to the chamber where the beautiful baby' (or Clarisse) is being held hostage. Fujiko, disguised as a librarian, is outside doing some paper work. She bows when The Count walks by.  
  
Count: Don't worry, I didn't mention anything about being married to you, Fujiko.  
  
Fujiko: .........  
  
The Count walks up a flight of stairs to the chamber and sticks a key in a metal plated statue of a goat's head.  
  
Goat: Oh, that's it, bitch! Ima stick a key so fa' up yo ass...  
  
The door to the chamber, where Clarisse is being held hostage, opens.  
  
Count: (Takes a look at Clarisse lying unconscious on a big, fancy bed) Ah, it's our baby! Nobody would be after this baby because she's so ugly. (He walks over to Clarisse)  
  
Count: Yes, a baby should bring some excitement to our 15 year marriage.  
  
Clarisse: 15? Looks to me like you've been married for A LOT longer than that.  
  
Author: Bu-dum ching!  
  
Count: Shut up you stupid ho!  
  
Clarisse: Make me.  
  
Count: (Picks up a lamp from the table next to the bed and whacks it over Clarisse's head.)  
  
Author: Jeez...tough crowd.  
  
Count: (Picks up Clarisse's hand) Now, this ring, against this other ring, will be...(Freaks out) Where the hell's that other ring?! (Lifts up other hand to hit Clarisse) No, I can't slap my only child. It isn't like me, I can't do it. I'll just have to talk this over with my wife/husband/butler man thing. (Walks out of the room)  
  
  
  
Scene 7  
  
  
Lupin and Jigen are sitting in a restaurant in the middle of a busy village waiting for their food to come. To pass the time, Lupin is reading the inscription on the ring Clarisse left with him.  
  
Lupin: Hmmmmm....it says When light and shadow are joined you will get shoes.  
  
Jigen: Is that really what it says?  
  
Lupin: Hopefully. I'm just pullin' stuff outta my ass, really. Hey, I can't read this date. It's written in Roman numerals.  
  
Waitress: (Comes over with a big plate of spaghetti and places it in the middle of the table) Well ya'll ima gonna getcher y'all somin' ta wet yer whistle wit' dag namit.  
  
Jigen: What is it with this place and southern people?  
  
Lupin: Hey, when in Rome, do as the Romans!  
  
Jigen: But we're not in Rome!  
  
Lupin: Excuse me...(Turns to the waitress and tries to speak southern) $%^*UYJTYJ^U^*^%(*$%&*&*)%^*%HDFBWRQ#%RTU$$#%Y%#$Y$%Y$%Y$U$%YYJEYY$U%ITJUKLJKT&*()RTJ^&K$^U()%^$^*$%TYYNCBZDVZDBADGNSDTMEHYJGDHETUR%&I^*O^&&I%U^*&*((K&*&*W$@#T$%%^H%^%J^NTYERYJEH$%J%^^&T?  
  
Waitress: (Slaps him and walks away)  
  
Jigen: What the hell did you say to her?  
  
Lupin: I asked her if I could have some pork buns with the spaghetti but I think she took it the wrong way...  
  
Jigen: You're a dumbass, you do know that don't you?  
  
Lupin: Oh, wait a second, I've got an idea. (Takes a big clump of spaghetti and puts it in his hair) Look at me! I'm Cher! A boom shaka laka la a boom shaka laka...  
  
Jigen: .......  
  
Lupin: What?  
  
Jigen: (sips water)  
  
Lupin: Fine, be that way...(Turns around in his chair and taps a random man on the shoulder) Excuse me, but do you know where I could pawn this ring?  
  
Jigen: We're not pawning the damn ring!  
  
Little girl: Daddy, stop talking to that scary man...  
  
Random guy: Okay sweetie, we're leaving...(Picks up daughter and runs out of the restaurant)  
  
Lupin: Great job Jigen, you scared that nice man and his little girl away...  
  
Jigen: I scared them?!  
  
Lupin: They saw the evil in your eyes...  
  
Jigen: Whatever, just shut up and get another waitress over here.  
  
Lupin calls over another waitress who is surprisingly easier to understand than most of the people in this contract for Satan...I mean fanfiction...*shifty eyes*  
  
Waitress: Well ya'll, I'm gonna bring you back some nice dessert.  
  
Lupin: But we don't want dessert. All we want are babies and shoes.  
  
Waitress: Babies? Shoes? Why, ya'll are the third group o' dem people in here dis week lookin' for dat dere babies and shoes.  
  
Lupin: (Looks at Jigen) I told you it was a popular profession...  
  
Jigen: Profession?  
  
Waitress: Well, I suggest ya'll look in da Castle o' Cagliostro. Dere bound to have some er' dem babies and shoes. See, we've gotta picture of dat dere princess of da Castle over der'. (Points to a picture of Clarisse on the mantel frame.)  
  
Picture: Moo.  
  
Lupin: Well, thanks for your help (is still picking out pieces of spaghetti from his hair)  
  
Jigen: Listen, I agreed to help you get a baby...  
  
Lupin: And some shoes.  
  
Jigen: ...and some shoes. But I don't want you going around telling everyone that we're married.  
  
Lupin: But we are married.  
  
Jigen: No, we're not!  
  
Lupin: You know we are...  
  
Jigen: We are not!!!  
  
Lupin: What's wrong with being gay?  
  
Jigen: If you don't stop this instant this spaghetti is going right back on your head!  
  
Lupin: Hey, you can't make this haircut worse!  
  
Jigen: And another thing! Why would I want to marry you anyway?! Everyone can see that you're a filthy sleaze bag! IF, and I stress the word IF, I wanted to marry another man, I would go for someone that's clean and could actually stay SOBER for at least 5 minutes! You've slept around with so many women, you get around like a damn record! Why would anyone look for someone like you to spend the rest of there lives with?! You take pleasure in making my life a living hell, you remember my cousin's barbecue three years ago? You embarrassed me like no one else ever did in my entire life!!! Well, you can take that damn chicken you threw in the pool And SHOVE IT UP YOUR...  
  
Lupin: *sigh* _Why do we always fight on holidays...?  
  
  
  
  
  
_   
  
Author's Notes: Yes, I am quite aware that Cher never said A boom shaka laka la a boom shaka laka la. And now, for your enjoyment, clips from the next chapter!  
  
Sexy Clips!!!  
  
Jigen: Why does everyone what to marry me?!  
  
Lupin: I knew it! You and your twin sister! You're both women!  
  
Count: I ask you to manufacture babies and you manufacture terrible babies!!!  
  
Goemon: .......Yo.  
  
End of Sexy Clips!!!  
  
  
Author: And remember, reviews are an author's high! Keep em' comin' baby!


	5. insert title here

  
  
Jigen Lupin: Hello faithful readers of The Search for Babies and Shoes.   
  
Jigen: We come here to bring forth a very important announcement and a serious problem that must be taken care of. Over the past few months, my hat has been mangled, ripped, stomped on, eaten, sexually abused...glares at author  
  
Author: shifty eyes   
  
Jigen:...held against its will, and sold at auction. I speak today to introduce you readers to my new non profit organization. Hopefully it will save the lives and the dignity of just a few more hats that had no say in their future.

Jigen's Save the Hat Foundation  
  


Jigen: If you would like to contribute to a worthy cause, please send $1.99 to 184 whataloadofshit ave., Che...  
  
Lupin: Okay, we kinda need to hurry this along...  
  
Jigen:...It seems our time has run out, however, let us take a moment to bow our heads in silence for all of the hats that were lost over the past few years.  
  
Lupin: ..........  
  
Jigen: ..........  
  
Lupin: ..........  
  
Jigen: ..........  
  
Lupin: How long has it been?  
  
Jigen: Long enough.  
  
Lupin: Right, fuck this...  
  
Disclaimer: ..........Disss-claaaiimmm-eeeer....? What is this diss-claaiim-eeer you speak of?  
  
** The Search for Babies and Shoes**  
  
Part 8  
  
Jigen is still bitching.  
  
Jigen: ...you slept with a slut Lupin, admit it!  
  
Lupin: (Fiddling with shit) So you're saying that you're a slut now?  
  
Jegin: No!  
  
Lupin: Well, honestly Jigen, make up your mind... (burning a fire) Hmmmm.....maybe I can melt this ring into metal which I can then use to make another ring!  
  
Jigen: Why would you go through all of that...?  
  
Lupin: Why would I do the who and the what and the who now?  
  
Jigen: Whatever....and another thing....(looks in corner)..ummm....Lupin?  
  
Lupin: Mmmm...?  
  
Jigen: What the hell is that?  
  
Lupin: What the hell is what?  
  
Jigen: (points over to corner at a monkey)  
  
Monkey: Oi!  
  
Lupin: That's a monkey Jigen...  
  
Jigen: I know it's a damn monkey, what the hell is it doing here?!  
  
Lupin: (looks over) Well, right now it looks like he's masturbating.  
  
Monkey: masturbating  
  
Jigen: Oh for the love of...I just washed the floor!  
  
Lupin: Heh, heh...atta boy, Greg!  
  
Jigen: Greg?  
  
Lupin: Yeah....Greg...  
  
Jigen: You named him?  
  
Lupin: Heeeeey....why the hell not...  
  
Jigen: (Looks at Greg)  
  
Greg: ......  
  
Jigen: .......  
  
Greg: ........  
  
Jigen: .......  
  
Greg: Starts masturbating again  
  
Jigen: Okay, that's it, I'm killing that thing...  
  
Lupin: Run Greg, RUN!!!  
  
Greg: Ooooiii! OOOIII!!! (Jumps out window)  
  
Jigen: Ha! I showed him!  
  
Greg: (Flies back in through window, steals Jigen's wallet, jumps back out)  
  
Jigen: Well Shit.  
  
(Things are sneaking around outside their hotel room.)  
  
Lupin: (Looks up from what he's doing) Shhhh....did you hear something?  
  
Jigen: Are you drunk again?  
  
Lupin: Maaaaybe...  
  
Jigen: (Goes over and takes down two antique wall decorations, one ax, and ummm.... the spiky ball at the end of a stick (for lack of better terminology...)). Well you're right about something, we're not alone...  
  
Lupin: You're right, we're not...(points to Greg over in corner counting Jigen's money.)  
  
Jigen: (Throws rock at Greg) Damnit, get that thing out of here!  
  
Suddenly, one of The Count's evil henchmen creatures break through the glass skylight and fall in, attacking Lupin.  
  
Jigen: (picks up ax and runs to strike the thing.)  
  
Lupin: No wife! You musn't! You must protect yourself! Run! Run!!!  
  
A whole herd of the creatures break in through the front door.  
  
Greg: shifty eyes (Loots everything he can find then gets the hell outta there.)  
  
Creature #1: So, you say he is your wife?!  
  
Lupin: Uh huh! That's what I'm saying! Ya'll better stay away from him, ya hear?! (Snaps fingers back and forth.)  
  
Creature #2: We want to marry him, too!!! (They all start attacking simultaneously.)  
  
Jigen: Awww, crap! (Starts attacking the creatures) Why does every guy I meet always want to marry me?! Why is it always ME?!  
  
Lupin: (Takes out gun and starts shooting the creatures.) You're just so lovable, Jigen...  
  
Jigen: Shut up! I'm not even gay! (Still chopping the enemy with an ax)  
  
Lupin: (Still shooting) Yes you are gay and you know it!  
  
Jigen: For the last time, if you say I am gay once more, Lupin, I will kill you while you are asleep! (Takes shield down from wall and starts beating the creatures with it)  
  
Lupin: (Hitting them over the head with chairs) Well you know we've been married for 20 years. You were drunk during the ceremony, that's why you don't remember, but I have it all on tape! (Pulls out a bomb which sets off a blinding light and throws it into the crowd of evil henchmen. Takes Jigen's hand and they both jump out the window)  
  
They land on the roof of a random house and start making their getaway, jumping from roof to roof, avoiding the creatures following close behind them.  
  
Jigen: (Sarcastically) Really? Maybe it was one of the many skanky whores you slept with!  
  
Lupin: Noooo...if it was a skanky whore that I slept with then why would I sleep with a skanky whore that looked like you?  
  
Author: Today's daily puzzle. Try saying that ten times fast...  
  
Jigen: That doesn't even make any sense!  
  
Lupin: shifty eyes Yeah....well....well you don't make any sense!  
  
Jigen: What?!  
  
Lupin: shakes fist  
  
Jigen: (Jumping off a rooftop with Lupin and getting into their tiny yellow car) Whatever, that wasn't even me, that was my sister!  
  
Lupin: (Gets in the car and pulls Jigen in with him. Starts the motor and speeds away, three of the creatures hanging onto the car and riding along) gasp Huh?! You mean you have an identical twin sister?! I should've known! You and your twin, you're both women!!!  
  
Jigen: (Takes out crowbar and whacks one of the henchmen until he falls off of the speeding car) I am not a woman!!!  
  
Lupin: I know! You changed sexes on me, didn't you?! (Rams the speeding car into a wall crushing the last two of the creatures)  
  
Jigen: No!  
  
Lupin: Didn't you?!  
  
Jigen: NO!!!  
  
Lupin: DIDN'T YOU???!!!  
  
Jigen: Alright! Alright, it's true...  
  
Lupin: A ha! I knew it! Now we have to go buy babies! (Does a u-turn in the middle of a busy highway sending eight cars into a pileup and causing three auto mobiles to combust)  
  
Jigen: Oh! Sweet Jesus!!! You just killed eleven people!!!  
  
Lupin: That's right, Jigen...we ARE getting babies...  
  
Part 9  
  
Fujiko is sneaking around the many chambers and hallways of the Count's mansion, looking behind her occasionally to make sure no one's following. She goes through a secret passage and ends up walking out of the fire place in the next room. She then runs across the floor to a corner of the wall where two very cleverly positioned holes are drilled. When she looks in, she can see......monkeys smoking cigars and strip dancing?!  
  
Fujiko: Wrong holes.....(moves two steps to the left and looks in two other holes in the wall. On the other side, the Count is talking about lots and lots of eeeeeeevil things....and babies)  
  
Author: That's a little better. (Goes over and starts watching the stripping monkeys)  
  
Fujiko: (eavesdropping on the Count)  
  
Count: (picks up magnifying glass and looks at piles of money closely) These babies are getting worse and worse....  
  
Guy: Ummmm....it's just money sir...  
  
Count: Damnit! You're fired!  
  
Guy: But I didn't even....  
  
Count: I ask you all to manufacture babies and you manufacture terrible babies!!! How am I supposed to sell these things?! I mean look at them!!!  
  
Guy #2: What are we supposed to do, sir? The demand for new and improved babies is so high...(there is a knock on the door)  
  
Butler man thing: (walks into the room) Oh, I saw that woman snooping around...I wonder....  
  
Count: (notices something) You've got a sign on your back....is that a baby?!  
  
Butler man thing: (rips off sign) Noooooo it just seems like a regular note to....  
  
Count: A baby note?  
  
Butler man thing: .........no, just a regular note....  
  
Count: Damnit!  
  
Fujiko: (looks closely at the sign which reads....)

You have just been screwed with by....  
LUPIN THE THIRD!  
Single mother by day...  
Baby hunter by night!  
  
(Also paints fences weekends from 7-9)

Fujiko: Lupin?  
  
Meanwhile, Goemon is making his appearance. He's apparently gotten a ride from one of the many people with thick accents in this town, and is now making his way through the gate.....in the rain......riding a mule.....Boy, that's gotta smell like doo doo.  
  
Goemon: (jumps off mule)  
  
Mule rider: Well ya'll..............that's as thick as my accent gets ya'll.....  
  
Goemon: Whatever you say....(begins to walk towards a secret stowaway area surrounded by rocks overlooking the castle. The perfect spot to spy on some unsuspecting policemen walking in to have a word with the Count, preferably Zenigata.  
  
Lupin: (looking through binoculars) Hey, has pops put on a few pounds...?(turns binoculars the other way) Whoa! I can see into the girl's bathroom!  
  
Jigen: (is pouring tea until Goemon walks up stone stairs and takes a seat across from him on the ground)  
  
Goemon: ....................Yo.  
  
Jigen: Finally you made it. What the hell took you so long?  
  
Goemon: Ummmm.....traffic.  
  
Jigen: Traffic? You rode here on a damn mule!  
  
Goemon: shifty eyes  
  
Jigen: Whatever.....(walks up another short flight of stone stairs to where Lupin is looking out to the castle spying on God knows what. Jigen hands him a bowl of ramen)  
  
Lupin: Oh, hello wife! (takes bowl and skips happily down the stairs)  
  
Jigen: Wait, wait, wait, wait.....(chases after him) You better not pull this shit while Goemon's here!  
  
Lupin: (to Goemon) Oh, by the way, Jigen and I are now married and looking for babies.  
  
Goemon: I figured as much.  
  
Author's Notes:  
  
Lupin: So, how much have you made off of this none profit organization of yours?  
  
Jigen: Meh....apparently people don't have as much compassion for shoes as they used to.  
  
Lupin: It's a cruel world, sweetie...  
  
Jigen: Don't call me sweetie!  
  
Lupin: Honey?  
  
Jigen: No!  
  
Lupin: Pumpkin?  
  
Jigen: NO!  
  
Lupin: Shuga' mama?  
  
Jigen: ..........I'll think about it.  
  
Author: Lesse...last update was in January, plus about four months equals....yep, I'm an asshole. Well, at least you damn bastards got the monkey you were complaining about! shakes fist  
  
Jigen: I bet $50 that monkey could kick her ass any day.  
  
Lupin: Well, he DID kick yours...  
  
Jigen: He stole my wallet!  
  
Lupin: Ha ha! Your wallet got stolen by a monkey!  
  
Goemon: He's got ya there, Jigen....  
  
Jigen: ...................  
  
Author: still shaking fist SEND ME REVIEWS!!! 


End file.
